February 5, 2020

Mansion (Round One)

By Barry Rudesill
Okay, usually for our posts we’ve been focusing on some aspect of The Trek program. We pick a topic like “False Self” and dig into it. However, for the next few posts I would like to do something a little...different.
A friend of mine recently told me to check out the song “Mansion” by the rapper NF. Since I like music of all kinds – and since it also gave me an excuse to skip my work for about five minutes – I found the song on YouTube and played it. Then I looked for the lyric version and played it again. Then I read the lyrics. Then I bought the album.
This song is...fascinating. Everyone I’ve played it for has said to me, “Play it again!” After the second time of listening through it, they agree that NF has done a brilliant job explaining how the past can affect us today. (One man said that this was the perfect way to describe his life.)
I’ve included the lyrics below, but if you can handle rap / hip hop music, I would encourage you to listen to the emotions as he sings by visiting https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibWdgkv1LSA
With that, check out “Mansion” and by NF and we’ll start to unpack it next week.
Insidious is blind inception
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
And it's lonely inside this mansion
Yo, my mind is a house with walls covered in lyrics, they're all over the place
There's songs in the mirrors written all over the floors, all over the chairs
And you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs
That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release
And let out the version of NF you don't want to see
I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed
You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me
Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in
That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it
And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em
But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em
I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around
Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground
Matter of fact I think I'ma burn this room right now
So now this memory for some reason just won't come down
You used to put me in the corner, so you could see the fear in my eyes
Then took me downstairs and beat me 'til I screamed and I cried
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
But I'ma keep the door shut and lock the lyrics inside
Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain
See, my problem is I don't fix things, I just try to repaint
Cover em up, like it never happened
Say I wish I could change, are you confused?
Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean
This room's full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems
The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave
I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things
But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep
I look around, one of the worst things I wrote on these walls
Was the moment I realized that I was losing my mom
And one of the first things I wrote was I wish I would have called
But I should just stop now, we ain't got enough room in this song
And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am
And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can
Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it's out of my hands
Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans
And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive
And at the rate I'm going they'll probably still be there when I die
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
The question is, will I ever clean the walls off in time?
So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years
I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there
'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear and not come back
And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside
So I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up but this door's not
'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I'm barricaded inside so stop watching
I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking
I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in
I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem
But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em
I built it because I thought that it was safer in there
But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here
Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in
Maybe that's the problem 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did
He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don't know anymore

Lonely (lonely) it's lonely
Oh yeah, it's lonely
Inside this mansion

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: David Garcia / Lauren Strahm / Nate Feuerstein
Mansion lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group, The Bicycle Music Company, Spirit Music Group

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