February 26, 2020
Mansion (Round Four)
By Barry Rudesill
Welcome to the next round in our discussion of “Mansion” by NF. Again, if you’re new to all of this, be sure to look at our previous posts for more information.
Verse two starts out with these lyrics:
Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain
See, my problem is I don't fix things, I just try to repaint
Cover em up, like it never happened
Like we talked about last week, you can’t simply “cover up” a Critical Event. If you’ve ever tried to paint over Sharpie marker, you know what it’s like. No matter how many layers of paint you use, the marks bleed through. Just like Critical Events do in our lives.
Say I wish I could change, are you confused?
Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean
This room's full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems
The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave
I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things
But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep
I look around, one of the worst things I wrote on these walls
Was the moment I realized that I was losing my mom
And one of the first things I wrote was I wish I would have called
But I should just stop now, we ain't got enough room in this song
Regret is something we don’t talk much about in The Trek; at least not under that name. (We’ll talk more about it in Trek 2.0.) However “regret” simply means “to be very sorry for”. In other words, something happened – or, in this case, there is something he did NOT do – and he feels sorry for it.
When we focus on our mistakes, though, when we don’t seek Forgiveness or extend Forgiveness to ourselves, then we are stuck in our past. And, if we are trapped in our memories, if we’re stuck looking backward, then how can we possibly move forward? That’s why Forgiveness is such a critical part of healing!
And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am
And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can
Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it's out of my hands
Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans
And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive
And at the rate I'm going they'll probably still be there when I die
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
The question is, will I ever clean the walls off in time?
And here’s where it all falls apart.
A Critical Event can change our Perception of who we are. The Reactive Behaviors that come out from our past can give us new Definitions, new Core Beliefs. The Anger and Fear we experience can become who we are. The Shame and Rejection that comes out of all of this can prevent us from becoming who we are and who we want to be.
Finally, the question that we’re often left with – one that I’ve asked, myself – is, “Who am I?” Deep down inside, when you’re all alone, no distractions, who are you supposed to be? How much of “you” is real and how much is a reaction to your past? And, if you’re not sure who you are, how do you have a healthy relationship with anyone else? How do you move forward? What even is “better”?
This week, take the time and look at the events that still cause you pain; write them down if you can. When you’re done, write down what you feel when you think of each one. Is there Anger? Fear? Shame? It’s not enough to name the event, you need to name the emotion connected with it, too.
We hope you enjoy your journey!